This Time Imperfect

The longer this agony goes on, the more pathetic I feel...

I can't even rest properly now, since my dreams have been invaded by the presence of the being whose love I can no longer dream of possessing.

Everything is driving me insane; no rest, no love, no news make me feel like an absolute lunatic. I am not fond of looking at my blog and only seeing that all I have to say is how heartbroken I am and how lonely I feel without you...

Even though things seem to be greener on the other side, I can't stop feeling the way I do.

Letting go has never been so hard, and what really concerns me is the amount of time that has gone by unnoticed. I remember saying things such as: All I need is time. All I need is to meet new people... Both have happened and the only thing that THAT has caused is reinforcing how much you are worth and how irreplaceable you are.

I do not feel dependent on you, for it that was true, I would have never hesitated in ending my life just from the thought of never being able to hold you close to me again. Yet, here I am... feeling.

As the days go by, only the memories remain; then the night descends upon me and as I fall into a deep sleep, there you are... So distant, so different, so rude, so not you!

Last night we got as close as being locked up in my bathroom and dedicating the same song to each other as we fell into each other's arms. As usual, I cried. This time, not only because the thought of holding you again was so unreal but also because I could not believe that you knew the same song that represents all the beautiful things I have to say to you and how I wish you well no matter what. That was the same song you had for me and I held you close for an instant. Nothing lasts forever, and this still holds true in the case of dreams. I had to go meet for an assignment, even though I was suddenly walking on a beautiful beach....

I have always held my dreams close to me because of their realistic nature. I sense, I smell, I taste, I feel, I hurt... in them. At times they are what dictates my behaviour on certain issues. Now, they have turned against me. I feel like even my dreams are trying to destroy me. I am trying to let go but the more I dream, the more I long for you.

Mon coeur, le tien toujours, mon cher petit lapin