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I find it a little irritating to write only in times of need. That is, the need of the auto-reinforcing kind. Expecting that after plastering a few words in front of me, I will be able to picture what is it that does not cease to hurt me. After experiencing dissonance of cognition, there are only two choices, to change one's concepts or to accept personal flaws.
In this case, I have decided not to fall to the extremes of the spectrum. Instead, I chose to let my surroundings speak on my behalf. I let them embrace the pain that rises within me, as long as I do not dare to turn my back to a reality I created out of thin air. Learning how to differentiate between virtuality and physical existence is what does not stop attacking and, consequently destroying my Alter-ego.
After trying to find out why is it that I remain endlessly miserable, regardless of my actions, I do not stop questioning, but yet I choose to remain subtle. Sometimes I refuse to speak, because anything can be used against my own will and can lead to eventual autodistruction. I hate to feel vulnerable, to any extend. Once the minimum amount of weakness is displayed, my softness in character defeats me and I end up humiliating myself for absolutely no reason. And what for? To keep on threading this world made out of thin air. For the sake of hope, perhaps? The more I wonder, the more I loose it, and what for? To keep on running in circles and encounter a greater deception.
This is not unexpected... but yet again, I seem to forget that life does not function in linear sequence, things make absolutely no sense, nothing is based on previous experience and people love to be humiliated and disrespected. I don't! I give the best of me to get the exact opposite every... single... time..., and yet again, I go on. I keep on trying and I let anyone get to me at the most inconvenient times. Problems of character? Perhaps... Insecurities? Most likely. Purposeless piece of hope that caresses my face to remind me of a possible reality, not made of thin air.
I am not talking about desire, for I live in a world of thirst for what I may superficially have to offer. I once heard that a woman does not want to feel pretty; rather, she wants to feel desired. I am tired of feeling desired God damnit! I want to feel pretty. I want to feel valued, I want to feel something else fot that matter. It has been me all this time the one responsible for objectifying what I am, instead of embracing it with respect. It is my fault after all, and I am publicly aknowledging it. I hate what I am and what I have become. I am rotting from the inside out because of a game I thought I could master. After all, it is not that easy.
I cannot hurt something I do not have, and I will hurt as long as it perserves an emotional serendipity.
In a situation like this, there seems to be a song written for every second I stop to take a breath. Music helps, too much for my own sake. I found refuge within the lyrics of the almighty Opeth (Benighted, In My Time Of Need, Harvest, Closure), as well as Ahora Me Cuesta by La Pestilencia. Also, an all-time favorite is Climbing Up the Walls by Radiohead. In search of refuge, I also came across a rather unusual Slipknot song that colapsed the strenght I had managed to gather in the past 24 hrs:
In this case, I have decided not to fall to the extremes of the spectrum. Instead, I chose to let my surroundings speak on my behalf. I let them embrace the pain that rises within me, as long as I do not dare to turn my back to a reality I created out of thin air. Learning how to differentiate between virtuality and physical existence is what does not stop attacking and, consequently destroying my Alter-ego.
After trying to find out why is it that I remain endlessly miserable, regardless of my actions, I do not stop questioning, but yet I choose to remain subtle. Sometimes I refuse to speak, because anything can be used against my own will and can lead to eventual autodistruction. I hate to feel vulnerable, to any extend. Once the minimum amount of weakness is displayed, my softness in character defeats me and I end up humiliating myself for absolutely no reason. And what for? To keep on threading this world made out of thin air. For the sake of hope, perhaps? The more I wonder, the more I loose it, and what for? To keep on running in circles and encounter a greater deception.
This is not unexpected... but yet again, I seem to forget that life does not function in linear sequence, things make absolutely no sense, nothing is based on previous experience and people love to be humiliated and disrespected. I don't! I give the best of me to get the exact opposite every... single... time..., and yet again, I go on. I keep on trying and I let anyone get to me at the most inconvenient times. Problems of character? Perhaps... Insecurities? Most likely. Purposeless piece of hope that caresses my face to remind me of a possible reality, not made of thin air.
I am not talking about desire, for I live in a world of thirst for what I may superficially have to offer. I once heard that a woman does not want to feel pretty; rather, she wants to feel desired. I am tired of feeling desired God damnit! I want to feel pretty. I want to feel valued, I want to feel something else fot that matter. It has been me all this time the one responsible for objectifying what I am, instead of embracing it with respect. It is my fault after all, and I am publicly aknowledging it. I hate what I am and what I have become. I am rotting from the inside out because of a game I thought I could master. After all, it is not that easy.
I cannot hurt something I do not have, and I will hurt as long as it perserves an emotional serendipity.
In a situation like this, there seems to be a song written for every second I stop to take a breath. Music helps, too much for my own sake. I found refuge within the lyrics of the almighty Opeth (Benighted, In My Time Of Need, Harvest, Closure), as well as Ahora Me Cuesta by La Pestilencia. Also, an all-time favorite is Climbing Up the Walls by Radiohead. In search of refuge, I also came across a rather unusual Slipknot song that colapsed the strenght I had managed to gather in the past 24 hrs:
My heart is just too dark to care. I can't destroy what isn't there. I couldn't face a life without your light But all of that was ripped apart… when you refused to fight So save your breath, I will not hear. I think I made it very clear. You couldn't hate enough to love. Is that supposed to be enough? I only wish you weren't my friend. Then I could hurt you in the end.
Wow, the more I explore the musical library embeded in me to deal with times like this, I seem to get to a point where I narrow down everything into another song:
But you don't understand when I'm attempting to explain Because you know it all and I guess things will never change But you might need my hand when falling in your hole Your disposition I'll remember when I'm letting go of You and me we're through and re-arranged You think everybody's the same I don't think that anybody's like you
And in the end, this only makes sense in Andrea's Head. Well, it's the only world that does not suddenly seem to dissapoint me, and it is the only one I can always count on when it is time to start again, from zero that is. It is the only one I have. Then, I face a neglected reality and opt to walk back in order to reanalyze where I made a mistake. Those can be the most painful steps ever taken, since that means confronting who I am and all what I truly stand for, to the point of finding answers to questions that were never meant to be asked.
And still, life does not take a break to look back at the instant that just took place. It does not loose its course, rather embraces every piece of existence. Just like the river that does not stop to catch its breath, I shall go on 'til the next time I collapse.
-Dre 2009
And still, life does not take a break to look back at the instant that just took place. It does not loose its course, rather embraces every piece of existence. Just like the river that does not stop to catch its breath, I shall go on 'til the next time I collapse.
-Dre 2009
