In my time of need - II

Commonly, I would despise blogging while enduring pain, but this time it's a different kind of pain.

The one that leaves you paralyzed in time and space, while the seconds are still running, and the only thing in front of you is a bottle of vodka that was not meant to be consumed on this occasion.

Missing a razor blade and the balls to end with the pain once and for all. I keep on thinking that there is purpose above all of these pointless bearing of unnecessary suffering; coping and coping and still no change takes place.

I am not a bad person, I am definitely not evil. What have I done to offend you in such manner?

Simply because I once and for all decided to stand up for myself, to stop being the item you mop the floor with?

All these years of endless victories I have given you and still I get nothing but third-citizen treatment. Really?

I should never blog about this, particularly to an open audience of who knows who; yet, I am tired of pretending that I have no emotional reaction to an indifference I do not deserve.

Like the Dalai Lama said: "I am not the best Dalai Lama, I am not the worst Dalai Lama, but I am definitely the most popular one". I will tell you the same thing: i am not the best daughter, and I am definitely not the worst one. Popular, i am not quite sure, but yet I know that every parent would be fucking proud to have me as a daughter.

My accomplishments

My triumphs

My life

And yet, in perspective little support from your side.

A talented genius kid; potential not exploited for apparent considerate reasons about "respecting" my childhood instead of taking advantage of my natural talents.

A talented young musician, who should have been enrolled in the conservatory by personal recommendation of the Music department of my school and yet no, of course not... Couldn't afford to make such sacrifices of driving me across town. What is a musician worth anyway, right?

Self-esteem issues, of course but obviously never interested enough to know what was going on

And the list goes on, filled with all your bullshit insecurities of how you were raised and how you are afraid of the outer world and what you consider to be unknown.

Let me Live my fucking life! Stop questioning every decision I make. I feel like an absolute dumbass simply because I decide to be honest and share my life with you. The only thing I get: Second-guessing.... Really, after all I want is to build a relationship based on honesty and trust? I am the bad one!? What the fuck is this bullshit reversely-build psychology?

I am done and yet the suffering does not end.

The vodka is over and I feel like my downward spiral of self-destruction feeds on itself, in order to destroy the empire I have worked so hard to create.

I feel like I can no longer go on. I will remain on my bed for the rest of the evening in the hopes that my cough gets bad enough and I stop breathing. Maybe then you will actually understand that I am not as bad as you think and that what you accuse me of doing, of being, of representing is nothing but your fucking insecurities projected onto a reality that you have chosen to blame on me.